Problem.

Wednesday 26th, 12:41 AM

 

 

you might find it funky that i’m starting off this blog post with the time it was written.

i just want the time recorded so it’s easier for me to remember this moment.

yeah, the memory thing is getting that bad.

 

today marks a significant step forward in vivid self-awareness. and for that, i am glad. i am glad that brutal honesty has finally made it’s graceful journey into one ear and to my brain instead of out the other. it’s a hallmark moment in improving who i am as a human being. and for that, i thank my enlightenment.

i never really grasped the concept of what other people think of me. it got to a point where i just plain didn’t care about what other people thought of who I was. and for a while, that was a good thing. it was great, in fact. i barely felt the social pressure ot act a certain way for my puppet-master superiors.

however,

i did not realise how this same prospect would travel across for people i actually wanted to be around.

that error in judgement has highlighted how self-absorbed and arrogant i really am. hell, this blog you’re reading right now is a perfect example of that. i care so deeply for getting a solid idea on how my brain works that i just tend to forget how other people feel, and it’s a really big problem. i’m unintentionally hurting the people i want around me by refusing to face the fact of my self-absorbency as well as hurting them by refusing to care about the way I treat them.

it’s a huge problem.

and problems call for change.

for change, i need help.

this entire blog so far has been a humongous reminder as to how deep in my own labyrinth I really am.

I write down my (already self-absorbed) thoughts and then put them on display as if for a way to beg people to care about what’s going on in my head as much as I do.

but why the fuck should anybody care about what’s going on in my head if i don’t care about what’s going on in theirs?

i’m sorry to you all. really. i’ve failed you as a peer the same way i’ve failed you as a human being.

god, i’m so sorry.