Gone.

It’s part of the human condition that we don’t fully grasp how good something is until it’s gone.

A shocking revelation, I know, but I feel as though it’s not really explained why that is the way that it is.

It probably has been before, but I’ve just never come across it. Here’s my theory though:

It takes a change to fully comprehend how much better/worse things were prior to said change.

Again, a shocking revelation.

 

What’s different is that

I’m feeling this more so than I ever have before. At the place I am right now, I’ve fully settled in for the long run. I’ve got everything I didn’t know I needed until recently.

 

I’m being forced to move schools.

 

Cons:

• Losing all of my friends that I’ve formed relationships with over the past 5 years
• Losing many of the adult figures I grew to trust over the same 5 years
• Losing my literal sense of direction in that I don’t know what is where
• More or less having my entire sense of normality caved in and shat on

 

Pros:

• ???

 

It literally feels like my entire world is being taken from beneath me and there’s not a single fucking thing I can do about it.

And it makes me angry

and sad

and nostalgic

and melancholic

and sad x2

 

And all of those feelings coming at me at once is so fucking overwhelming that I no longer feel anything. At all. I’m stuck in this purgatory where my mind won’t render the fact that I’m going to be losing all sense of stability in terms of the social life around me.
And my future is more uncertain than ever before.

I think part of me still thinks this is all a dream. That I’m going to wake up and go back to school and back to my old friends and old classes and old hopes and dreams.

But the crushing feeling that it’s not a dream has short-circuited my brain and now I can’t handle anything.

 

At any rate, I will miss the bunch of you that are reading this that are actually effected by this news.

Thank you all for giving me a meaning, even if it was delusional.