Comfortable.

I had a moment recently with a friend that kind of pulled my sub-conscious off of the couch he’d been crashing on for the past week and a bit and just kinda smacked him around.
It was this perfect “oh shit” moment that really captured and highlighted one of the main problems I have with my mental health

And, for your viewing pleasure, I’d like to show it to you all

(sorry, Neha.)

There are moments where I put down my shield and just blatantly admit that the way I am is far from okay, and I generally just spill everything that’s been going on.
I like to write these moments down, hence why this blog still exists

But then, moments afterwards, the shield comes back up. And I act like I never said anything, and that I’m totally fine and everything is dandy.
I think there are two reasons (that I can identify) as to why I do this

1. As a person of male variety, the unwritten duty I have is to be a strong, reliable character. This means that I have to subdue my emotions into a state of unrecognisable nature, as to put forward a charismatic and generally positive front. This male subculture, frankly, is total ass. And yet I subtly buy into it.

2. It’s much easier to say that “things are fine” than “things are not fine.”
When somebody asks “How are you going?” you generally don’t reply with “Fucking awful, my mental state is at a point of no return”, one would normally reply with something like “I’m good, thanks.”
And that’s because when it comes down to it, nobody wants to listen to someone rant about how terrible they’ve been because it generally worsens their mood also.

And as a whole, having to go through the effort of explaining what’s wrong, why it’s wrong and how you came to feeling wrong is just
effort
and time
and vulnerable
and can sometimes make you feel worse

But hey, for anyone that’s willing to listen.

My name is Will Ash

I’m 16 years old.

And I am not fine.

the only thing I want is the last thing I need

the sleepless nights have taken their toll on my physicality

my brain has become a slushy that’s Blue “nobody would care if I offed myself” flavour and Purple “things that matter to me most are entirely meaningless on a universal scale” flavour.

I don’t know whether I’m crazy or not. It’d be nice to solidly state and believe myself stating “I’m not crazy”
that would be neat

And finally
most of all
paramount to everything

I’m lonely.
And I feel as though people only pretend to care about me because of sympathy and not because they’re interested in who I am as a person.