Close.

I’ve noticed this feeling that’s been developing over a long period of my time, where I feel as though I’m close, unbelievably close, to achieving something or anything, but I’m not quite there or I’ve somehow missed the target.

On a life scale, I am really close to something. Being out of school.

But this perpetual cycle of being close to something and then getting thrown into something different before I get the chance to finish that thing off is driving me insane.

As though just when a movie starts getting a little exciting, it gets jarringly thrown in a totally different direction and you have to sit through all the context again..

Or just nearing the climax of a game, suddenly it’s thrown into a whole different story and you have to watch all the cutscenes and sink time into all the world-building again.

 

It’s such a rotting feeling that I’ll always be aiming higher until my body eventually succumbs to time or other means.

Like, after school I’ll go to uni

After that, I’ll get a job and sit through a pre-sorted hierarchy of control

then, I’ll go into retirement

finishing off my useless existence with slowly decaying 6 feet beneath the ground.

 

I used to be something of an optimistic nihilist, you know? Like, life is entirely meaningless but we should take that as meaning we need to do as much as we can before our time on earth is over.

But I think over the course I’ve time I’ve grown a lot warmer to pessimistic nihilism. Life is entirely meaningless, so what’s the point in doing anything at all? There’s no more merit in completing the pre-requisite levels of life that society has set for middle-class humanity than there is in staying in my room for the next 60 years and drinking to forget each passing day. In the end, those two ways of living life mean equally as much, so the latter is justified.

 

I’ve been keeping track of my mood lately using this app, and I’ve found that I’m in such a constant state of feeling disconnected and numb to everything that the app doesn’t know how to even help.

it’s all like “go outside! then write how you felt!”
and I give the most vague but accurate answer about being perpetually meh
and it literally can’t comprehend it.

 

at any rate, I still don’t know if the blog is the closest thing I have to therapy or if it’s more self-destructive than I realise.
nonetheless, I’m glad some people can relate to my void-thrown feelings
being told that my writing is actually helping some people is the best part of this whole ordeal.

you guys are great. thank you.