the past week and a bit have been exciting times.
being back home at college as a completely different person to the one I was prior to leaving gives the place a whole new coat of paint, on top of The Year 12 Factor (that is, the glory of the common room) changing the traditional school dynamic.
right now I’m at a point where school has become everything I wanted it to be.
I get to study subjects I enjoy, in a comfortable environment where I have no social pressure to care for, teachers are understanding and treat the majority like adults, and quite frankly
I have absolutely no reason or excuse to underperform academically.
which leaves me fucking terrified.
because I’ve always felt pressured to fulfill my so-called “potential”. I constantly hear “oh, you’d do incredible things if you’d only improve your work ethic” or “study more” or “live differently” or whatever flavour of dissatisfaction the adults have decided to brand me with this week.
I consistently get told that if I change my life radically for the purposes of conformity, I’ll be happier than I am currently.
and how any adult can tell me that with a straight face is fucking mind-blowing.
it’s basically saying “oh see you think you’re happy but in fact you’d be wayyyy happier if you just stop doing what makes you happy currently, y’know?”
anyway, that’s how the system is and nothing I screech about on here will change that.
coming back to college has opened my eyes about the stark contrast between Monivae and THAC, socially and academically. And while I could write a thesis on the subject about how the social bubble College has conjured itself fragily hangs in the balance, it’s so
damn
boring.
with that said, here’s something that bugs me about College’s social system.
I fuck up a lot.
I fuck up without fail, without reason.
I fuck up here, I fuck up there
I fuck up almost everywhere.
but fucking up is vital to how a person’s character develops over time,
we learn from the fuck-ups. understand how it effected us and ultimately, in time
recover and continue with our lives as human beings.
anyone with a brain should be able to acknowledge another person’s fuck-up, understand it’s relevance to someone becoming a better person, forgive, forget and move past it. like mature fucking humans.
College falters with this ability.
Here at College I get constantly reminded by the ghosts of fuck-up past.
Some people, and I won’t name names because I’m not on the same level of pettiness they seem to exist upon, simply refuse to let the past go.
I hear, time and time again about shitty things I did on camp in Year 9, or at lunchtime in Year 7.
People bring it up like it’s a permanent, relevant scar on my record, as if letting it go would be the least sane thing to possibly do.
hey, sure, I was a little asshole. fantastic!
but at least I have the mental capacity to not give a shit.
what in the fuck does it matter if I said you had a crappy haircut in year 6?
why did you feel the need to bring in it up in a negative matter?
do you think I care still?
one of the best things that Monivae could’ve ever offered me was a clean slate.
and going into a different environment with absolutely nothing on my record was the most freeing feeling I’ve ever experienced socially.
As soon as I understood that my past character was irrelevant and all that mattered was being a good person in the here and now, my self-confidence skyrocketed and my social anxiety crumbled under the pretense of a system where my early trespasses where completely irrelevant.
dear reader, I implore you to forgive thy neighbour.
because you both really need to move on.
anyway.
we always come to this sticky end bit where I say “ah, sorry for not writing much just been kind of out of it, blah blah” but I’ll keep it 100 with you nerds,
I’ve picked up journalling.
I’m cheating on you.
Well, that’s what it felt like at the start. It felt like I was robbing the blog of all of it’s content by letting out bite-sized bits of anxiety and stressed in journal pages instead of violently barfing all my emotions into 800 word anecdotes of my mental state.
But I think it was about time I stopped subjecting other people to content tailored for a therapist.
regardless, I’d like to thank everyone for your support in the past few weeks, if you’re reading this there’s a good chance we’ve talked in person recently, which means none of you have been particularly asshole-ish or this post might’ve tasted different.
I’m kidding, of course, I have actually been receiving a lot of love from my friends, and I just want to let you know none of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated.
you’re all beautiful.
peace and love, y’all
❤ will
Enigmatic Thoughts 