The feeling of so much happening and yet at the same time so very little has carried throughout the entire year.
Things that I used to deem as monumentally valuable have zero meaning, and things I never used to think about are prevalent.
My 18th birthday felt like just another day.
A couple weeks ago I got an extra 2 hours of sleep and felt like I’d achieved something.
Right now, the world is a bizarre, upside-down place and even 5/6ths into this total shitshow of a year I still haven’t come to terms with it all.
I’m graduating next week.
Fucking graduating.
It feels like just yesterday I was sleeping through homeroom and showering at lunchtime, enjoying the vices of the first remote learning period.
And now I’m fucking graduating.
Somewhere along the line, I forgot that I only had one shot at this whole Year 12 business and I let myself run away from the weight of “you don’t want to end the year with any regrets”
Well guess what, motherfuckers.
My mountain of regrets hits the atmosphere and just keeps going. Scientists theorise that after humanity colonises Mars, we’ll be about halfway to the peak of my mountain of regrets.
I don’t know whether to be mad or upset or mournful or glad that I’m finally finishing school.
I’ve looked forward to this day for 6 years, and now that I’m finally reaching the end of my journey, with my goal in sight, on the cusp of breaking into the free world and living my life as I choose,
all I can think of is,
“is this really it?”
“this is what i spent so long working up to?”
maybe I’ve just grown so numb to everything after the complete fuckaround that this year has been, that even my own achievements fall flat in comparison to the promises I had made to me throughout teenagehood.
‘Year 12 will be (this)’
‘You should prepare for (that)’
‘Biggest issue will be (this)’
‘People will start to get (that)’
nothing could’ve prepared me for this year.
but having the floor ripped out from under me still stings, months later.
Dear reader, I understand we are all likely going through the same kind of shit. We are all tired of being in this dead space.
It would feel hypocritical to tell you all to “not lose hope!” considering mine is long gone, but I implore you to do one thing.
And that is be compassionate.
Soon enough, the people you consider to be your best friends will be living in different states, different countries
The places you spend so much time at will remain in your head as nostalgia.
The interests you are passionate about will become benign in the face of new, exciting ventures.
The shows and movies you love to watch and rewatch will slowly become “old classics”
The faces you’ve gotten so very used to will age and change.
As will you.
As will all of us.
Be as compassionate as you can.
Like your life depends on it.
Because there’s a chance someone else’s might.
Who’s to say that one little ‘good morning’ can’t change the world?
Who’s to say making someone laugh won’t flourish what could’ve been a terrible day?
Who’s to say that loving someone isn’t going to remedy their situation?
Compassion is free. And in times like these, it’s in short supply.
So text that person you haven’t caught up with in ages. Organise that brunch with the gals you’ve dreamed of in iso. Grab a drink with that someone whose company brightens the room.
Make someone smile.
And who knows?
Maybe you might smile too.
Time will zoom by and before long, tomorrow will be a distant memory.
So live to love, people.
For your own sake.
Enigmatic Thoughts 