Existential Messiness: The Blog.

Hey, everybody. It’s certainly been a while.

Around 6 months, the longest time between blogs, ever.

The simple answer for why that is, is because I’ve since acquired a typewriter, and have been keeping a journal with it for the past year and a bit, documenting life during Covid-19 as something for the older, more forgetful Will to look back upon.

Very considerate, I know.

The truth, though, is that I just haven’t been drawn to write for the blog like I used to.

A typical blog post on Enigmatic Thoughts takes a lot of ingredients. Generally, 4 cups of Teen Angst, 2 cups of Existential Dread, 100g of diced Seasonal Depression, mixed into a batter, topped with 2 cups of Vaguely Personal Social Issues, a dash of Unsatisfactory Living topped off with a sprinkle of Self Hatred.

I’ve previously documented my lack of having these ingredients in earlier posts as reasons for my irregular extended hiatus, and while that still is true,
the truth is,
the magic just isn’t there any more.

When I made this blog, it was to spew my youthful anger and sadness onto a page for everyone to see. And when people did see it, they started paying attention, I got my much-needed validation from people relating to my posts or complimenting my writing style/skills.

Furthermore, during school I was made to write often and in ways I did not want to, so having the blog as my own personal writing escape was necessary to continue my interest in the art.

These things mean nothing to me now.

I don’t need to be validated. A slow build-up of apathy for other’s opinions has taken it’s toll as I’ve aged. I no longer care if someone dislikes me or my writing, because I know that I like it, and that’s good enough for me.

I don’t need an outlet. My journal has kept me writing in ways I never could with the blog, exploring deep, personal details of my emotions and life that I would never want to put online. Namely the names of people, what I think of them, and things like that.

The magic is gone.

I no longer feel like a talented writer, spreading his art and recieving appreciation in return.

I feel like a tired, babbling, hysterical fool, oversharing his life with a blog that, let’s face it, nobody really reads anyways.

hm.

maybe i do need validation.

What I lack most of all, above anything, is motivation.

I’ve always had my problems with motivation. In school, at work, in life in general, I never feel the same push to do things that others clearly do.

Being unemployed has further sapped that out of me, to the point where I find it hard to be motivated enough to even get out of bed, let alone leave my room.

I used to be driven to write for the blog because people asked for more. People came up and talked to me about it. People gave their thoughts and created conversations about themes and ideas I’d touched on in my latest post but

now?

that never happens anymore.

except for you, Belle.

Thanks for that. Really.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that this blog has become less of an escape for me, and more of a looming burden that occasionally taps me on the shoulder and says “You should’ve written something by now, jackass.”

Am I just out of ideas? Am I facing a hilariously overblown case of writer’s block? Do I just lack the angst and sadness in my life to write the way I used to?

I have no idea.

sigh.

Look, I’ve thought about closing the book. Calling it quits.
It seems like the right thing to do instead of putting this imaginary pressure on myself to write, but

I just can’t.

It’d be like leaving a part of me online to wither and decay, a tumour of my own creation.

This blog is not a tumour.

It’s a detailed history of my teenage years.

The fear of the future. The angst of the past. The uncertainty of the present.

This blog encapsulates everything that’s led up to the Will Ash people meet and greet today.

This blog is me.

I’ve given up on a lot of things.

But I’m not going to give up on myself.

I’m so tired of giving up on myself.

No more. No longer.

Enigmatic Thoughts lives another day.

Sorry. I think this post is more for me than it is for you guys.

But I hope you enjoy it regardless.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Shameless plug but I’m streaming on Twitch now! If you haven’t already heard from my multiple shameless plugs over social media.

If you’d give me a follow at https://www.twitch.tv/sirdewy_ , I would greatly appreciate it.

See you in 6 months lol.