abrasive environment

it’s so lonely out here.

I look back at old photos and miss my friends.

in my dreams I visit the grave of Hometown Will. I do the right thing, pay my respects, lay flowers or kick the headstone depending on how I’m feeling.
I used to find company there, where I was buried. fraying connections of faces that have forgotten mine, reaching out and being polite.
that happens less, now.
now, when I visit, it’s just me, myself, and the dirt.

I try to reach out to others, you know.
I have connections, old and new, to people whose company I enjoy.

various response rates.

I think the really difficult thing about being an adult is that maintaining friendships becomes a task of significance but it also surrounds the idea of convenience.
I’m not there. they’re not here. it’s too far a drive. I’m busy that weekend. the PT would take too long. I’m feeling sort of anti-social.
there’s a million reasons not to see somebody.

part of the issue is those damn phones.
it’s impossibly ironic that in being connected with everyone in the world, we’ve lost connection with each other.

it takes effort.
reaching out takes effort.
putting in the mental work to traverse a conversation beyond small talk over text is an effort.
crafting a tangible plan to see a friend in person when your schedules don’t line up is an effort.
having the money to spend on going anywhere and doing anything is an effort.

I’d like it if others reached out to me more, and I’m sure there’s folks out there that are waiting for me to reach out, but that’s just not how the planet works I guess.

it’s funny, I remember a time where I thought I had too many friends.
it was hard to keep track of the plans I had.

how does one even go about making new friends?
everybody here already has friends.
people they’ve known and grown up with or work with or study with.
where do I fit in that puzzle of people?
I don’t.

I’ve heard it takes time to cultivate. sometimes years.
but I’ve also heard from people that’ve been here for years that they still haven’t managed it.
is it sheer luck?
I don’t know.

I never thought I’d get here, accomplishing my childhood goals, and find myself feeling so horribly lonely.
I guess it’s about time I got comfortable in my own company.