disillusioned

(29/04)
sometimes I look back at the replanting of my life. the cutting of roots, uprooting myself and dusting off the soil, planting me elsewhere – the grass was greener on this side.

but the grass is not so green.

the city eats me and chews me and spits me out sad, disillusioned, ripe with resentment.

there’s so many friends to make, they said.
you won’t build a strong social circle for years, I’m told.
there’s way more jobs out there, they said.
multi-stage interviews for below the median wage, I’m told.

swim in debt. drown in consumerism.
live in a tiny home with a tiny bed and a tiny tv and call yourself proletariat when your parents subsidise your rent.
spend $19 on a pint of pale ale from a startup local brewery and pretend to enjoy it.
vote greens and ride a bike to lower emissions and pay $35 for a plastic vape that finds it’s way to landfill in a week.
if the bills don’t behead your bank account, the parking alone might.

it stinks. the whole thing stinks.

if i had told myself 3 years ago that i’d be living in the city, happily taken and desk jockeying for $30 bucks an hour, he’d tell me that I’d made it.
if I told that same version of myself I was jealous of his freedom and thriving social life, he probably would’ve shot me in the head.

at least there’s 7-11.

I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to work. I’m so tired of putting my nose to the grindstone and putting away 40 hours of my life every week to nothing.
and it’s not like I don’t have time to do things besides that, I do. but the monotony and ballache of it all makes me want to get home, crawl back into bed and take cheap dopamine hits from mindless scrolling.

so, I do. I work, I scroll, I sleep, I repeat.

I’m friendless. aimless. tired and hungry.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing or what the point of any of it is anymore.

I looked into self-sufficiency and going off-grid, growing my own food and cultivating my own happiness.
startup cost? hundreds of thousands of dollars.

what’s the fucking point?
i’m trapped in this endless cycle and every corner i peer around to see if it’s any better I get a mixed view and zero clarity.
is that how things are from now on?

maybe i should just increase my med dosage and get on with it.